I hated the way my tummy looks shape marks and all. I also hate the scars on my thighs. Im so self conscious of my body and what am i going to wear if i go back to work. Should i do something niw. Im abit trapped and lost right now. Because no way i can exercise w hubby around. No way i can bring myself to be consistent like when i was in my twenties. Im in my thirties now i feel so unmotivated. I hated that i have self esteem issues  too. Wgere is my stupid notebiok when i needed it!

Its hard to maintain staying happy and positive. I felt it when i first woke up. But when the day dragged out w my older daughter things took a toll of my mood and i delt like im back to my anxious nervous and angry self again. So short-lived! I even had to pray to help me accept whatever going to come is going to be best for me and baby. I just couldn't help myself. Could get a hold of myself. Of course i could have sent her to school and focus on taking care of myself. But abg made a fatal mistake of waking late and obviously not a good idea to rush a whiny toddler to school... idiot... not helping w my mood at all. Although he offered to take leave for the day. I rather have my time alone then have him and the daughter around making me more anxious then i already am. Its nice that i even suggested going for a nice dinner when he is back from work at the end of the day. And warn him its going to be pay back big time. He bought it. But now im feeling all weazy and no mood to go out even. Haiz what's gotten into me. Why so difficult to just be happy and let it go for once!

Had my 39th week check up yesterday. Cant help hating the situation im in and all teary and dready and stuff. Demanding answers to calm my anxiety down. My hubs notice i was not myself keeping mum all day through the night. Middle of the night i woke up overheated and couldn't sleep. Bath and manage to use the time to reflect a little bit about what happen. Especially on how other events happen that ends up becoming favourable rather then distress. Like the time when i thought i lost hopes in getting posted to another school. It was unexpected that i was accepted. In a weird way also. Somehow my testimonials and their connections works its way to get me posted. The other unexpected event was being pregnant itself. We tried a long time until i gave up and treid not to try so hard. Coz im quite a control freak, planning the dates and all. When i kind of let go not gave up. I was surprised double whamed with the other great news. After much thought i think same with this difficult situation im in. I must try to let go. Expect the unexpected. Don worry about the worries. Let it happen. And believe that the outcome may turn out favourable, however it happens. Insyallah. This means no more getting freak out and doing all sorts to induce labour naturally. Getting all stressed out, depressed and sad. Just try to let go and enjoy this moment. Dont even worry about clashing with the wedding. No pressure. It happens insyallah it happens favourably. Expect the unexpected. Worry free. Be around people who supports you and love you and care for your well being. Dont blame them if they cant. Just try not to let go of the strings abit and hopefully this will change your mood.

39 weeks and I'm feeling all depress and teary. Blame hormones. It's so hard to be positive and happy when I'm so tired of being pregnant plys all the other things that's ruining my body. Stretch marks, rashes, weight gain. The mirror is my worst friend. Hated the way I look. It'll be so nice if i could have some romantic time w hubby or at least just me time away from all this. But of course he always make choices that stresses me out. He's nice and all but i feel he's not totally into this. And not sharing too. I gotta take up a new hobby. Something thats personal. Of course I'm not sure if i even have the opportunity or time to do it. But I know it may help w my depression. I was thinking journaling or planner. Have some resources at work though. Should make myself an office at home for that. Like my own personal space.

Yup i know.